The things I've done

I thought I had all my dues payed already... but it seems that I still have tons of things to pay off.. every tear I made fall, every dream I shattered, every smile I turned into a painful scream, every heart I broke, every happy moment I tore apart..
Do I think I really deserve all the things I'm feeling right now? yeah, kind of..
I fell in love after years of being aware of love.. he just came kicking, pushing, destroying every defense i had around my heart.. in such a sweet way.. with that smile I love so much and with that look that makes me feel so alive..
Nevertheless I don't hate him for doing so.. I love the fact that he could get in there.. even if I could I wouldn't hate him.. he turned my life into a living dream.. he gave me back my smile.. he made me feel someone with every kiss he gave me.. needed with every word he told me.. "jealous of the air he breathes".. he made me realize I could be great for someone.. everything I ever asked, dreamed of, wanted for.. is what he is..
I can't understand why he took the decition he took.. but I will keep my promise of being his friend.. even if it hurts.. he deserves nothing but the best.. and somehow I blame my self for what he chose.. I am the one to blame.. no body else..
Meanwhile this pain of mine will have the same sentence as I always give to my pains.. It would be locked inside me.. to remember me the things I loose for being different.. the price to pay for letting myself be..